is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
