I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
