Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
