we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
