Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
