My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
