note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
