Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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