We won't sleep together?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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