You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
