I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
