you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
