I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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