i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
