How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
