come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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