don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
