i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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