The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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