Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
