I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
