theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
