Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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