It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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