Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
