i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
