how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
