I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
