Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
