What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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