my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She announced her abortion via fbk
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
