There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
