i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
