i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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