Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
