I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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