I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Sorry about my life...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
