I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
