Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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