girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We left the knife in your bed.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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