I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
