Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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