i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
