I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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