There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
did i walk over a car last night?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
