I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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