i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
