We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
