I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
