so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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