but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
